Allow me to divert your attention from the ongoing Super Bowl coverage and commentary we've got here on the Mote Report for a few minutes. I'll get back to the fallout from Sunday night's game sometime in the next couple days but I would be remiss and irresponsible if I didn't devote this space today to the race for the White House.
Everybody wants to be president. For a homework assignment in the third grade on what you wanted to be when grew up you wrote that you wanted to be the President of the United States of America, the leader of the free world and the commander in chief of our Armed Forces. Even back then at a young age you lusted for power. Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain all wrote similar essays when they were in elementary school. It's all part of the American dream to have the country and the world underneath our thumbs. Mitt Romney didn't have these kind of self-serving ambitions because he was raised as a Mormon. His father was politician though so he had to carry on the family line of work. You are a mechanic because your father was a mechanic and his father was a mechanic. That would be your grandfather. He lost two of fingers rebuilding the engine of a 1972 Chevrolet convertible.
Today, as you well know, is Super Tuesday. It's called that because it's two days after the Super Bowl. Not all the states are voting today in the presidential primaries, just the important ones. If your voting day isn't until later on, I hate to break it to you but the candidates just don't care one bit about you. If you can't help them get elected, you're nothing to them. Life just isn't fair, is it? But don't worry, these weasels will come crawling back to you come November. They'll need your vote then.
So who are going to vote for today if your opinion matters? That's a difficult question. I know you're struggling with it, but you have to make a decision quickly before the polls close at seven o'clock. The issues that are important to you are the war, the economy, and health care. Part of the current President's problem is he got us into an unpopular war. It's not that we Americans don't like war. As a matter of fact, we love war. We're not a bunch of flower children flashing the peace sign. Look at all the war movies churned out by Hollywood. We lap them up like candy. It's just we want a war that really makes us look good. The Iraq war hasn't done that. We want a new president that will get us into some better wars that are easier to win. For example, why don't we invade Sweden? Or Iceland. It's just going to melt anyway with global warming and all. The economy is an easy one. Just give everybody free money and have the government take over the stock market if it keeps going downhill. Health care – every body gets sick sometimes. The government should pay for it. Why should I have to pay for it? Somebody sneezes on the train and I get catch pneumonia. That's not my fault, it's public transportation. That's the government's responsibility. I'm not paying any more taxes for it either.
Now each of the candidates has different qualifications that give you an idea of how they could handle these issues. John McCain, for example was a prisoner of war and a great military hero, so he would know best about what to do with the war. The other guys probably don't even know how to load to semi-automatic assault rifle. We all know from the Dick Cheney hunting incident what happens when you've got a person in office who doesn't know how to properly handle their firearms. As far as health care goes, none of the candidates are doctors, except for Ron Paul but he's just a gynecologist and no one takes him seriously. So I guess we're just going to have to cross our fingers and hope whoever wins knows what they're doing on that issue. Any of them should be able to handle the economy, that one's not too difficult.
If you can't make up your mind based on the issues, just do this: Pick the one whose name sounds best when you put the word “President” in front of it. It has to have a nice ring to it so it looks presidential in the history books. There's already been a President Clinton and there were two President Bushes, two President Roosevelts, two President Adams. So why not another President Clinton? I know what you're thinking though. That's superficial and shallow. If you have a moral objection to that because of the Monica Lewinsky scandal then instead you could pick the one you think looks best on TV. In that case your vote would go to Barack Obama.
In the end though, no matter who wins the election we the American people are the real winners. Any one of these candidates, Democrats and Republicans, would make an excellent president. Except maybe Hillary because women are irrational.
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