Britney needs help, not ridicule

As everyone is well aware, Britney Spears was escorted to the mental hospital again this morning. While it comes as no surprise given her recent history, that doesn't make it any easier to come to grips with.

Like a lot of people, I could barely get out of bed this morning when I heard the news on my alarm clock radio. It's just so troubling to see America's favorite pop princess fall the way she has.

Most people in this country are either alcoholics or drug addicts, but few of us have suffered the way Britney has. When we lose custody of our children because we feed them nothing but candy and soda pop and their teeth begin to turn black with rot, few of us have camera crews stalking us at the court house. When we drive recklessly down the freeway with a baby on our lap and no seat belt, it doesn't get in every newspaper in the country. Just the local one. We're all a danger to our children, but Britney Spears gets singled out because she's an adored celebrity. When we cut off all our hair and forget to put on underwear when we go out to the nightclubs, Barbara Walters doesn't discuss our erratic behavior on “The View.” But when it's Ms. Spears, they talk and they talk and they talk and then they talk some more. Every TV news and entertainment show from Entertainment Tonight to Larry King Live talks. But you know what? They're all hypocrites. I'd like to see the paparazzi follow Larry just one night as he makes the rounds at the clubs. I bet they could get some wild footage from that! You don't think Oprah Winfrey is a booze hound? I do.

Some might say Britney Spears needs to be put down like a sick dog, and those people that say that have a valid point, but I think PETA would have none of that. What she really needs is some intense psychological help. Having her sit in a white room with rubber walls talking about her feelings with some shrink isn't going to do her a darn bit of good. Unless it's Dr. Phil. What I'm talking about is proven methods that get real results: shock therapy and lobotomy. They just need be careful not to damage her vocal cords because the girl's still got to make a living in order to maintain the kind of lifestyle she has grown accustomed to.

Election '08 is as serious as a heart attack

Have you noticed there's a lot of squabbling in the right- and left-wing media about who the next President of the United States of America should be? I, like most habitual television viewers, certainly have.

On Sunday morning I watched in horror as a heavy-set gentleman on one of the network news programs got so riled up about this very subject that he became red in the face. It reminded me of old Chris Farley Saturday Night Live gags. I half expected this fellow to start proclaiming that we'd all be “LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!” if the wrong guy was given the keys to the White House. Unfortunately, those news programs aren't nearly as entertaining as SNL so eventually I did what any of us would do in that situation. I dosed off into a light sleep.

It could have been minutes or it could have been hours later, but I awoke just in time to see that same guy who was yammering on about political this and that fall off the stool he was sitting on. Then, the Katie Couric wannabe who was hosting the program leaped up from her seat to his aid, yelling “We need a medic! Call 911!” Then someone off camera said “cut to commercial” and they turned the camera away just as they started doing CPR on the guy. A heart attack live on TV! How about that!

Did anyone else see this? I hope the poor guy pulled through, but if he's back on the show next week I bet he's learned his lesson and won't get so worked up over something as trivial as an election. Seriously, who cares? Not anybody I know, especially when there's the Super Bowl and the Oscars coming up.