Energy, poverty problems solved

Today I finally got around to hashing out a solution to our nation's energy problems. I plan to send my proposal directly to Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain so that they can incorporate it into their election platforms, but I thought I'd toss my idea out to the blogosphere to see what you think about it first.

I'm not sending it to Mike Huckabee because he is disobeying orders from the Republican Party to give up and let McCain win.

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Dear Senator,

As you are aware, energy is the key to everything. Energy is more precious to us Americans than life itself. Why else do you think we start wars with Muslim countries? The Muslims have oil, that's why. They took it from the Jews back in the days of Abraham. Now the Christians want it. The Catholics tried to get it during the Crusades. Now the Evangelicals are trying to seize control of the Middle Eastern oil fields.

Oil is converted to energy by our automobiles. We all need our gas-guzzling driving machines after all, right? I know you do. I also know about the time, before you entered the scornful eye of the public, when you continued to drive after a judge ordered your license suspended. You let that nasty temper of yours bring out the worst in you when a van full of adopted children cut you off in traffic. You ended up with a vehicular assault and menacing conviction on your record, but a person of considerable power and influence such as yourself has the means to get potentially damaging blotches on your reputation wiped clear. Your record is now clean, Senator, but your conscious is not. I know how it is. I am haunted by my own indiscretions. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

We have bigger concerns to address. Our dependence on oil has us at the mercy of the Muslim oil barons. We could try to get some oil from Hugo Chavez instead, but he also is a terrorist. And he speaks Spanish.

Oil is also dirty. It's filthy when it's burned, like coal, the other big source of energy in our country. Breathing in all that soot and smog is the reason you've got asthma. It's put you in the hospital three times in the last year. Another secret you are keeping from the American people because you can't show any sign of weakness. Weak presidents are one-term presidents. Look at Jimmy Carter and George Bush Sr. for proof of that.

The answer to the energy crisis has been under our noses for decades. It's NUCLEAR POWER, stupid. We use radiation on meat (those hamburgers you eat in the Capitol Hill cafeteria glow in the dark), so why can't we build giant reactors to power our cities? I know, the problem is no one wants a nuclear power plant where they live. There's a simple solution. Build them near nursing homes. The people that live in nursing homes are senile, they won't even know it's there. They don't even vote.

Sounds ingenious doesn't it? But wait. Before you run off to write this into your next campaign speech, I've got an even better idea. Imagine if you take a huge step toward solving our energy crunch, poverty and homelessness all in one swift totalitarian move. If you take my next idea and run with it, you might as well start today planning the inaugural ball.

It's very simple. Bulldoze neighborhoods with high concentrations of poor residents and the homeless. In place of these low-rent residential neighborhoods, that's where you build your nuclear power plants. Maybe you could build some nursing homes and daycare centers around the periphery to serve as a buffer between the power plants and the more desirable upper-middle class and wealthy neighborhoods and commercial districts. You want to keep those areas safe in case of the unlikely event of an accident at the nuclear plant. The nursing homes should absorb most, if not all, of the fallout from a nuclear meltdown. Now, after reading this far you're thinking this could be a political dilemma. On the one hand, the rich will be thoroughly pleased if you kick out the poor and demolish their homes. But then the poor and the "civil rights" types will complain. I know the poor are still allowed to vote in this country and you have to answer to them also. Not as much as the rich, who keep the cash flowing into your sizable campaign coffers, but you do have to pretend to be concerned about the little guy. It's all politics.

That's where the clincher comes in. And here it is. We're building nuclear plants, left and right. Soon we won't need those polluting coal-burning plants any more. That means we won't need coal mines any more. Some of these coal mines stretch for miles, they're as big as cities.

The light bulb just went on in your head. You know where I'm going with this and you wish you'd thought of it yourself. Well, you would have if you spent more time trying find ways to help people and serve your country instead of advancing your political career for your own gain. What you're going to do is build cities underground for the poor and homeless. Herd them all in there into free government housing where it will be easier to contain them and keep them under control. If a riot breaks out, something that tends to happen from time to time in impoverished areas, you simply seal off the mine until they calm down. You'll also keep the various “problems,” like crime and disease, that you encounter in poor neighborhoods away from the more affluent people. The poor get free housing, like in France, and they are kept away from the rich and middle class. And most importantly, we've got an abundant supply of clean energy to power our homes and government-provided electric cars. All without having to deal with the Arabs and Venezuelans. A win-win situation for all (except the Arabs and Venezuelans). Especially, you because you're going to ride this plan to Election Day victory and that's all that matters to you.

Now, don't thank me. I just want a high-level cabinet position, something with a lot of power. Or at the very least an appointment as an ambassador to a small, textbook country on a tropical island.

God bless America.

Sincerely,

Morris H. Mote, registered voter