Energy, poverty problems solved

Today I finally got around to hashing out a solution to our nation's energy problems. I plan to send my proposal directly to Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain so that they can incorporate it into their election platforms, but I thought I'd toss my idea out to the blogosphere to see what you think about it first.

I'm not sending it to Mike Huckabee because he is disobeying orders from the Republican Party to give up and let McCain win.

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Dear Senator,

As you are aware, energy is the key to everything. Energy is more precious to us Americans than life itself. Why else do you think we start wars with Muslim countries? The Muslims have oil, that's why. They took it from the Jews back in the days of Abraham. Now the Christians want it. The Catholics tried to get it during the Crusades. Now the Evangelicals are trying to seize control of the Middle Eastern oil fields.

Oil is converted to energy by our automobiles. We all need our gas-guzzling driving machines after all, right? I know you do. I also know about the time, before you entered the scornful eye of the public, when you continued to drive after a judge ordered your license suspended. You let that nasty temper of yours bring out the worst in you when a van full of adopted children cut you off in traffic. You ended up with a vehicular assault and menacing conviction on your record, but a person of considerable power and influence such as yourself has the means to get potentially damaging blotches on your reputation wiped clear. Your record is now clean, Senator, but your conscious is not. I know how it is. I am haunted by my own indiscretions. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

We have bigger concerns to address. Our dependence on oil has us at the mercy of the Muslim oil barons. We could try to get some oil from Hugo Chavez instead, but he also is a terrorist. And he speaks Spanish.

Oil is also dirty. It's filthy when it's burned, like coal, the other big source of energy in our country. Breathing in all that soot and smog is the reason you've got asthma. It's put you in the hospital three times in the last year. Another secret you are keeping from the American people because you can't show any sign of weakness. Weak presidents are one-term presidents. Look at Jimmy Carter and George Bush Sr. for proof of that.

The answer to the energy crisis has been under our noses for decades. It's NUCLEAR POWER, stupid. We use radiation on meat (those hamburgers you eat in the Capitol Hill cafeteria glow in the dark), so why can't we build giant reactors to power our cities? I know, the problem is no one wants a nuclear power plant where they live. There's a simple solution. Build them near nursing homes. The people that live in nursing homes are senile, they won't even know it's there. They don't even vote.

Sounds ingenious doesn't it? But wait. Before you run off to write this into your next campaign speech, I've got an even better idea. Imagine if you take a huge step toward solving our energy crunch, poverty and homelessness all in one swift totalitarian move. If you take my next idea and run with it, you might as well start today planning the inaugural ball.

It's very simple. Bulldoze neighborhoods with high concentrations of poor residents and the homeless. In place of these low-rent residential neighborhoods, that's where you build your nuclear power plants. Maybe you could build some nursing homes and daycare centers around the periphery to serve as a buffer between the power plants and the more desirable upper-middle class and wealthy neighborhoods and commercial districts. You want to keep those areas safe in case of the unlikely event of an accident at the nuclear plant. The nursing homes should absorb most, if not all, of the fallout from a nuclear meltdown. Now, after reading this far you're thinking this could be a political dilemma. On the one hand, the rich will be thoroughly pleased if you kick out the poor and demolish their homes. But then the poor and the "civil rights" types will complain. I know the poor are still allowed to vote in this country and you have to answer to them also. Not as much as the rich, who keep the cash flowing into your sizable campaign coffers, but you do have to pretend to be concerned about the little guy. It's all politics.

That's where the clincher comes in. And here it is. We're building nuclear plants, left and right. Soon we won't need those polluting coal-burning plants any more. That means we won't need coal mines any more. Some of these coal mines stretch for miles, they're as big as cities.

The light bulb just went on in your head. You know where I'm going with this and you wish you'd thought of it yourself. Well, you would have if you spent more time trying find ways to help people and serve your country instead of advancing your political career for your own gain. What you're going to do is build cities underground for the poor and homeless. Herd them all in there into free government housing where it will be easier to contain them and keep them under control. If a riot breaks out, something that tends to happen from time to time in impoverished areas, you simply seal off the mine until they calm down. You'll also keep the various “problems,” like crime and disease, that you encounter in poor neighborhoods away from the more affluent people. The poor get free housing, like in France, and they are kept away from the rich and middle class. And most importantly, we've got an abundant supply of clean energy to power our homes and government-provided electric cars. All without having to deal with the Arabs and Venezuelans. A win-win situation for all (except the Arabs and Venezuelans). Especially, you because you're going to ride this plan to Election Day victory and that's all that matters to you.

Now, don't thank me. I just want a high-level cabinet position, something with a lot of power. Or at the very least an appointment as an ambassador to a small, textbook country on a tropical island.

God bless America.

Sincerely,

Morris H. Mote, registered voter

The war on global warming

Today we learn that the terrible Super Tuesday storms that destroyed several states and claimed 50 precious lives was the result of global warming. This has been proven by John Kerry. You remember him, he ran for president the last time we had an election. George W. Bush won.

You did notice that it was warmer than usual for this time of year Tuesday, but you didn't think too much of it at the time. Little did you know a tornado was brewing. Never in your wildest dreams did you think something terrible was about to happen. Don't feel bad. It caught us all off guard because we were too obsessed with election results. Those people died without knowing who the eventual nominees with be, let alone who the future president will be. Those poor souls don't even know Mitt Romney quit the race today. I guess I'm jumping to conclusions here. The scientists aren't sure what happens when people die. The government should fund research into the afterlife, like on “Flatliners.” That was one of your favorite movies. You wish they'd make a sequel. There's probably ghosts reading this blog right now, laughing at our ignorance. They know how to solve global warming too I bet.

But the Bush administration doesn't. They won't listen to Al Gore. He tried to rob us with that “locked box” scam he based his botched presidential campaign on back in 2000 and now nobody believes a word he says.

It doesn't seem like the government is doing anything at all to stop global warming. Has anyone considered bombing China? They've got all the factories polluting our atmosphere. What they should do is freeze the Great Lakes, cut up the ice and distribute it around the country. It would melt in the desert but it would still lower the temperature some. It's like when you put ice cubes into a warm glass of Cherry Coke. The ice melts but your drink gets cold. Similar concept. Mexicans get lost and die of heat stroke in the desert trying to enter our country illegally. We need to help those people out.

Now a word from our Super Bowl sponors

Everyone except New England Patriots fans agrees this was one of the few Super Bowls in which the game was actually more entertaining than the commercials. Still though, there were a few good advertising moments. It's impossible for anyone to know which one was the best, but I've selected a few highlights to share with you today as you try to shake off your post-Super Tuesday hangover. You found out the hard way that watching election results come in isn't nearly as fun as watching football. I hope you weren't that drunk when you voted. If you did, I'm sorry to tell you but you voted for Mike Huckabee.




This is a cute one they made for all the little children forced to watch the game with a babysitter. They don't like their babysitter because all she does is talk on the telephone the whole time and doesn't pay any attention to them. Their parents should feel guilty for leaving them with a blabbermouth ding bat while they have a good time at the neighbors' Super Bowl party. They aren't old enough to understand the complexities of a blitzing scheme or an audible on third down but they understand this commercial. It's making them thirsty but the babysitter won't get off the phone long enough to get them a nice cold beverage. "When will this stupid game end?," the small child cries, "I want my Mommy."





Notice on this one you don't see any pigeon crap. Not a drop. Anybody who lives in an urban area with a lot of statues knows those flying rats poop everywhere. If there were really pigeons big enough to fly off with a compact car wouldn't you expect to see mountains of bird crap? You're still traumatized from the time one did its business on your head, so I can understand if you couldn't stand to watch this commercial. But either the film crew that shot this commercial did some excellent camera work or it's completely fake.





This guy gives a piece of chewing gum to Carmen Electra and now he gets to sleep with her.




Not to be outdone by Coca-Cola and its flying cartoon characters, Pepsi brings in some real star power. Coke targets small children, Pepsi goes after the hip teenage crowd. While I like the Coca-Cola ad better, Pepsi's marketing strategy is smarter. Many obsessive and overbearing parents forbid their kids from drinking beverage with lots of sugar and caffeine. You let your kids drink 2-3 cans of Cherry Coke a day and now they are hyperactive and diabetic. That doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It just means you are irresponsible.





Shouldn't Shaq be practicing free throws instead of horse racing?





I don't think I really need to comment on this one. If you don't understand it you will when you're an adult.





This one's inappropriate for prime time audiences. Like you I thought at first that her boob popped out, like an exploding breast implant. But it's her heart. Don't you think she'd be dead if that really happened? I guess not since it's still beating. But wouldn't there be blood everywhere? I hope she found another job before she quit or at least got an interview. It's hard not having gainful employment in these difficult economic times. You lose all your benefits and you don't get any paid vacation time off.

It's Super Tuesday: Who should you vote for?

Allow me to divert your attention from the ongoing Super Bowl coverage and commentary we've got here on the Mote Report for a few minutes. I'll get back to the fallout from Sunday night's game sometime in the next couple days but I would be remiss and irresponsible if I didn't devote this space today to the race for the White House.

Everybody wants to be president. For a homework assignment in the third grade on what you wanted to be when grew up you wrote that you wanted to be the President of the United States of America, the leader of the free world and the commander in chief of our Armed Forces. Even back then at a young age you lusted for power. Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and John McCain all wrote similar essays when they were in elementary school. It's all part of the American dream to have the country and the world underneath our thumbs. Mitt Romney didn't have these kind of self-serving ambitions because he was raised as a Mormon. His father was politician though so he had to carry on the family line of work. You are a mechanic because your father was a mechanic and his father was a mechanic. That would be your grandfather. He lost two of fingers rebuilding the engine of a 1972 Chevrolet convertible.

Today, as you well know, is Super Tuesday. It's called that because it's two days after the Super Bowl. Not all the states are voting today in the presidential primaries, just the important ones. If your voting day isn't until later on, I hate to break it to you but the candidates just don't care one bit about you. If you can't help them get elected, you're nothing to them. Life just isn't fair, is it? But don't worry, these weasels will come crawling back to you come November. They'll need your vote then.

So who are going to vote for today if your opinion matters? That's a difficult question. I know you're struggling with it, but you have to make a decision quickly before the polls close at seven o'clock. The issues that are important to you are the war, the economy, and health care. Part of the current President's problem is he got us into an unpopular war. It's not that we Americans don't like war. As a matter of fact, we love war. We're not a bunch of flower children flashing the peace sign. Look at all the war movies churned out by Hollywood. We lap them up like candy. It's just we want a war that really makes us look good. The Iraq war hasn't done that. We want a new president that will get us into some better wars that are easier to win. For example, why don't we invade Sweden? Or Iceland. It's just going to melt anyway with global warming and all. The economy is an easy one. Just give everybody free money and have the government take over the stock market if it keeps going downhill. Health care – every body gets sick sometimes. The government should pay for it. Why should I have to pay for it? Somebody sneezes on the train and I get catch pneumonia. That's not my fault, it's public transportation. That's the government's responsibility. I'm not paying any more taxes for it either.

Now each of the candidates has different qualifications that give you an idea of how they could handle these issues. John McCain, for example was a prisoner of war and a great military hero, so he would know best about what to do with the war. The other guys probably don't even know how to load to semi-automatic assault rifle. We all know from the Dick Cheney hunting incident what happens when you've got a person in office who doesn't know how to properly handle their firearms. As far as health care goes, none of the candidates are doctors, except for Ron Paul but he's just a gynecologist and no one takes him seriously. So I guess we're just going to have to cross our fingers and hope whoever wins knows what they're doing on that issue. Any of them should be able to handle the economy, that one's not too difficult.

If you can't make up your mind based on the issues, just do this: Pick the one whose name sounds best when you put the word “President” in front of it. It has to have a nice ring to it so it looks presidential in the history books. There's already been a President Clinton and there were two President Bushes, two President Roosevelts, two President Adams. So why not another President Clinton? I know what you're thinking though. That's superficial and shallow. If you have a moral objection to that because of the Monica Lewinsky scandal then instead you could pick the one you think looks best on TV. In that case your vote would go to Barack Obama.

In the end though, no matter who wins the election we the American people are the real winners. Any one of these candidates, Democrats and Republicans, would make an excellent president. Except maybe Hillary because women are irrational.

The underdog has its day, just like in 1783

Well how about that, football fans! That was an exciting Super Bowl. Aren't you glad you woke up just in time for the big finish?

The game itself wasn't very thrilling for the first three quarters, with only one touchdown and a lousy field goal to show for the hundreds of millions of dollars the advertisers spent on their commercials. Then the fourth quarter begins and at that point the producers at FOX must have said something about it to the coaches. They probably said “listen guys, this is the Super Bowl here and we're losing a lot of money because you aren't scoring a lot of touchdowns the way we expected you to when we bought the rights to broadcast this game.” Then they probably threatened to withhold the players' paychecks. I know that doesn't seem right, but look at it from the television network's perspective. If the game didn't get better real quick everybody at home is going to start flipping through the channels to see if something better is on. Then there wouldn't be anyone still around to watch “House” afterwards.

Well it worked, didn't it? Just when you thought the New England Patriots were going slip out of there with the trophy and whatever bonus prize they would have received for completing a perfect undefeated season, the New York Giants had something different in mind.

By the way, does anyone else think the Super Bowl trophy looks like a football impaled on the Washington Monument? That's probably intentional because they had that thing before the game where they read the Declaration of Independence.

It explains why they did that because the Declaration of Independence didn't have anything to do with football. It was about breaking away from the British and saying we want to be our own country now. That led to the Revolutionary War because the British said “no, you can't do that you have to pay taxes and maintain the English accent.” We won the war and kicked the Brits out. We got rid of the accent, but we've still got taxes now don't we? I guess you've got to compromise sometimes.

What's interesting is the United States colonies weren't even supposed to win that war, just like the Giants were the big underdogs in the Super Bowl. I don't know if it would be entirely accurate to say Great Britain was undefeated in all the wars they fought up until that point in history but they had won pretty many. They had a reputation for winning, like the Patriots.

As we found out last night, history repeats itself. The underdog won and the Giants are the champions. I won't tell you what the final score was in case you recorded the game because you just knew you'd have too much to drink and pass out before half time. It was a smart idea to think ahead to set the TIVO and find a designated driver to take you home from your boss's Super Bowl party.

But on the football side of things, the Giants and the Patriots will probably be sworn enemies from now on because of this game. That's the downside of having a Super Bowl every year. Somebody's not going to like the outcome. That doesn't mean it has to be that way forever, though. Look at the United States and the British now. We're good friends, aren't we? Maybe the Giants and Patriots will eventually become allies. They could help each other out with advice on draft picks and exchange playbooks.

It's interesting how the outcome of the game all tied together with the little Declaration of Independence routine before the game. You might not like what FOX has to say about politics, and their new business channel is a ratings. failure But FOX should be applauded for the kind of outside the box thinking we were a witness to last night. It wouldn't have worked if they'd tried to use the tired old David vs. Goliath analogy employed by so many sporting events. If you paid attention in Sunday school, you realize Goliath was the giant, not the underdog. I could see some of the other networks -- especially NBC -- trying go that route, but it wouldn't have made any sense at all.

What if you couldn't watch the Super Bowl?

It's almost time for the big game. You know what game I'm talking about, don't play dumb with me. I'm talking about the Super Bowl of course.

Do you know what it's like to play football with the entire world watching in the biggest sporting event and entertainment spectacle of the year? Of course you don't. You quit the team your junior year in high school. You never had any ambition and you lacked talent. There's always imagination though and you have that right. If you get bored by the third quarter, just imagine you're Tom Brady. I know quarterback isn't your favorite position because you have arthritis in your shoulder and you don't like to get tackled, but just try to remember what his girlfriend looks like. I'm sure he gets paid a lot of money too.

But not everyone will be watching the game tonight. Believe it or not there are some impoverished nations that don't have televisions. Not even in the bars and restaurants. Surprisingly enough you can still find pockets like that right here in the good ol' USA. Quite frankly though, you might as well not even bother unless you've got a high-definition television set. A good one costs at least a thousand dollars. People in Mississippi and West Virginia can't afford that. Not with the subprime mortgage crisis. Mostly though, it's the deepest jungles of Africa that I'm referring to. Even if they had TVs over there, the reception would be so poor about all they could do is try to listen to some of the half-time musical performances in between all the static. Then there's also the fact that the missionaries haven't yet introduced the game of football as we know it to these African countries. They play a different version of the game that's quite similar to soccer. But I think that'll all change in about 10 years because everybody wants to be like America. Even with the war and abortion and all.

So when kickoff roles around, just remember to be thankful that you've got that 48 inch widescreen plasma TV and your potato chips, a great big sausage pizza with extra cheese and a case of Budweiser. Isn't that what they call on the commercial living the High Life? If you are a religious person, say a quick prayer for all the people in Africa, Mississippi and West Virginia who can't watch the game. If you're an Atheist, I'm sorry if that violates the separation of church and state doctrine but instead you could write a two or three page letter to one of the Super Bowl sponsors asking them to make a donation to the United Nations.

Don't just celebrate Black History Month - Learn

The month of February is now being marketed as Black History Month in most multicultural states. I think calling African-Americans “black” is racist, but aside from that it is a wonderful idea to designate a month in honor of that culture's history and it should have been done a long time ago. Better late than never though and I applaud our congressmen for taking this action.

Now it's up to us to work to make sure Black History Month is a success, unlike Breast Cancer Month in October, which failed to bring about a cure. No matter what continent you come from, you should be spending at least one or two hours every day this month reading biographies of great African-American figures such as Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Luther Vandross and Barack Obama. So you say you aren't very good at reading? No excuse. You can still learn something. There is a movie about Malcolm X that was made by Spike Lee, who also happens to be an African-American. Rent it at Blockbuster. I'm sure you can also listen to some speeches by Martin Luther King online somewhere, if that kind of thing isn't a violation of copyrights. Copyrights might not apply on this because, sadly, Dr. King was assassinated on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee. I'm not real sure how copyrights work, but check the laws in your state before you download anything. The last thing you want on your hands is another lawsuit. I'm not going to try it because I've got my own litigation troubles to deal with right now, but if it's all OK with the government, just google “Martin Luther King speeches” and you can probably find something. If not, maybe somebody at the library can help you.

Have you noticed the younger generation of librarians aren't as helpful as they used to be before Internet was forced upon us? Next time you're at the library ask them to find you a book without using a computer. They can't do it. They don't teach the Dewey Decimal System any more because it's creator, Melvil Dewey, was a known racist, according to Wikipedia. But to Mr. Dewey's credit he did try to simplify the way we spell words in the English language. His spelling reforms didn't really catch on, but if they had they could have benefited the poor African-American children who can't get a good education because of their economic status in life.

Racism in America is the root cause of all this. You and I can't do anything about it because we're white. We need more young African-American school children to grow up to become leaders in the war on racism. But how are these children supposed to know what to do if we're not teaching them about their ethnicity's history and about Martin Luther King and Malcolm X? That's why we need a Black History Month.